Future?

 Today as I look up at the stars in the night sky, the first truly dark night sky I’ve seen in a while, I am conflicted.

I am conflicted between two sides inside me not knowing which one to choose and how to strike a balance between them, if that’s even possible.

One side wishes to be happy, the other aspires to be greater. 

Contrary to what it may look like on the surface, they aren’t fundamentally compatible. 

To be happy, I must be content. This is a far more spiritual feeling, perhaps you could even call it self transcendence. I find myself content and more mindful, free from all the emotions and feelings I loathe. I feel more confident of my self worth, I measure people’s values less, I compare myself less and I don’t feel envious. I am as passive as the sand which is swept over by the waves, but there’s nothing I’d rather change.

On the other sides of things, I aspire to go beyond my current self and maximize on everything- my efforts, talents, opportunities and connections. This part of me is highly motivated, hard working and driven. I wish to turn over the world and be known, not because I have a goal, but because I feel like it is within my grasp (or maybe I’m overestimating my potential). But reaching one’s full potential in one lifetime is impossible for anyone, whatever you do will never be enough. I find it harder because I don’t have a goal. If people see me complain like because I have too many talents, they would click their tongues and say that I have no conscience. But I genuinely don’t know which direction I want to grow in and what goal I wish to accomplish, which leaves me feeling like trash every time I complete myself with others. Seeing their growth seems too prick me, like a race car stuck in a garage, when it should be on the tracks. 

Anyways, around this age, there is some rubbish about a journey of self discovery or whatever. Something along those lines, anyways that’s all nonsense. So ya, this was a blog, you didn’t get a glimpse into my inner thoughts or anything.